Quick First Date Tips
In this article I am going to outline a brief summary of what to do and what not to do on a first date in order to maximise your enjoyment for both you and your date. I will cover tips regarding conversation, where to meet her (or him) and how to present yourself in terms of appearance.
The first date is the most important step during the initial stages of courting, if you screw it up then you are very unlikely to get a second chance (unless she finds you very attractive).
The Location:
The location of your first date will help to set the tone for the rest of your relationship (however long or brief). One example of this is if you take a girl out on a really extravagant and expensive date then she will likely in turn expect this type of thing rather frequently as the relationship goes on.
Top Three Locations:
- A nice and relaxing bar/pub. Generally the better the venue that you bring her to the better this reflects on you whereas if you take her to a run down shithole then this will probably have the opposite effect. Try and find a nice location which is convenient for you both either through Google or any past places which you have visited and enjoyed. However please bear in mind that you should go easy on the alcohol as this can offer lead to disastrous consequences. Dating with Asperger’s can be hard enough without the added hurdles of alcohol. Try to also ensure that you visit a venue which does not have loud, glaring music or is generally too noisy due to being busy, which will make general conversation more difficult. Google is your friend here as you can check the busiest times and whether or not live music is played, and if so during which times.
- A nice and relaxing coffee shop. Similar to the pub and bar above this should be cosy and relaxing.
- A nice juice bar. Similar to the above this should be quiet, comfortable and relaxing. This is particularly a good location if neither if you drink or are fans of coffee.
- A nice walk in the park. This can be very relaxing and helps to keep costs down. However try to avoid going at night as asking a woman to meet you in a park at night for a first meet may raise a few eyebrows and cause some alarm (and rightly so). I had a few of these during the COVID lockdowns as most places were closed and they were very pleasant, although I am not a fan of them in winter as I’m not a big fan of the cold. However this may suit you very well.
Places to Avoid:
- Cinema Dates: Despite popular culture sometimes depicting this as the de facto first date, this is a terrible idea. How on earth are either of you going to bond and build familiarity with each other if you are a spending a couple of hours staring at a screen? Now don’t get me wrong I love films and going to the cinema myself, but this kind of date should only be for girls you have already had a decent number of dates with (I would say six minimum) or you are in a relationship with.
- Dinner Dates: Many men still live in the 1950s first date mentality of taking a woman out for a nice romantic dinner and even a possible cinema date as a first date. This was my mentality a few years ago when I was seeking a long-term partner. The problem with this approach today is that times have moved on, particularly if your goal is a hook up. An ideal first date should have an absolute maximum spend of roughly £20 (or the equivalent in your own currency). You do not want to be spending large amounts of money on someone whom you have just met and whom you might not even want to see again (or vice versa). Therefore an expensive dinner date is rather risky from this perspective as you could be spending a lot of time and money on somebody who you don’t even like. Quick drinks or coffee can make it easier to bail rather than stick around waiting for courses. If you are looking to bring her back to her place or yours then dinner could potentially also be risky from this perspective as either one of you could get a negative reaction to the food (allergic, bloated, diarrohea, vomiting, etc.).
Quick side note: Although this is very rare, there are actually some women on online dating sites who go on dinner dates specifically looking for free meals. This reiterates my earlier point about only going on dinner dates once you have gotten to know the girl a bit better. However do not assume that they are all after a free meal, it is just something to bear in mind.
Length of Time of Dates: 2h-3h
Conversation Tips:
Whilst on the date the conversation is what will help to set the entire tone (provided that you actually look like your photos if meeting via online dating). A good rule of thumb is to allow the other person to do the majority of the talking. You can do this by asking interesting and relevant questions about things which they are most passionate about. People love to talk about themselves and this can help to build rapport between the two of you. Asking questions about the other person also helps to show that you are actually interested in them as a person. However, try to avoid asking too many “interview questions” such as “where did you go to school?” “where did you grow up?” “how many brothers and sisters do you have?”. You do not want them to feel like they are being interrogated or just bored. Instead try something like this:
You: “So what are you passionate about?”
Her: “I am really into animals and helping people”
You: “Oh awesome, I love animals. Which animal is your favourite?”
Her: “Horses probably, I love them. How about yours?”.
You: “Yeah, they are amazing creatures. My favourite is probably cats. Do you or did you ever go horse riding?”
“Yeah, I used to do it a lot but stopped due to…”
By doing something like this you are asking stimulating questions which are actually relevant to the conversation. Switching between random subjects can cause confusion and can ultimately lead conversations going nowhere (ask me how I know…). Try to also refer to things which she said during the conversation which will ultimately help to show that you have been listening (a big plus in her book). Instead of you rambling on about meaningless topics which she most likely won’t have much interest in, actively listening to someone can help to build attraction and rapport. This can be a forgotten but crucial skill. I realise that this can be particularly difficult for people on the spectrum. A good rule of thumb is to try and shut out any distractions and focus on the person talking as much as you can and try to resist the urge to interrupt people. I know these are easier said than done but these are crucial skills and they will take you a long way, not just in dating but in most areas of life.
Your Date’s Body Language/Actions and How to Read It:
There are hidden and subtle ways which can help you to determine whether your date is interested in you. Body language and tone of voice can be difficult for those on the spectrum to pick up on, so I will outline the various ways (both the good and bad signs) which you can look out for when deciphering this rather confusing language.
Good Signs:
- Smiles at you a lot: This seems a bit obvious but if your date does in fact smile (a real smile where her face lights up and “smiles with her eyes”, not a fake one where their face doesn’t move other than her mouth or if she rolls her eyes) at you frequently then this is a very good sign that she is interested. This is particularly true when you first meet her as her initial impression of you is critical.
- She “accidentally” bumps into you walking down the street: This might come as a surprise but if both you and your are walking down the street and she occasionally bumps into you this is a very good sign that she is interested. Generally speaking this means that she is comfortable enough to be in close contact with you and this could be a way of her getting you to notice her. If she doesn’t do this then don’t fret, but it is something to look out for.
- She makes conversations easy: Whilst conversing you should make note of how she talks to you. Does she answer fully and sound excited when speaking (good) or does she give one worded answers (bad)? Does she ask you personal questions about you and does she sound genuinely interested in you and your life? Does she sound exciting when you talk about things which are even quite boring?
- She laughs at things you say, even when they are not funny at all: This is another good sign that she is interested in you. This is especially true if what you are saying things which are not very funny but she is still laughing anyway.
- She makes excuses to touch or is open to you making physical contact with her: Similar to them bumping into you on the street, she may put her hand on your arm or shoulder when she is about to reveal something or to tell you that she is going to go to the bar to get another drink. This is especially true if this happens multiple times during the interaction. Another good sign is if she is open to you touching her and she doesn’t pull away. This is a good way to bond as well. A good example of putting this into action is if she has a watch or tattoo on her arm and you offer to offer to take a look at it as you think it looks cool. This will give you a good excuse to test this out. However, DO NOT continue touching her if you can see that is uncomfortable, asks you not to or if she pulls away when you do. If she does do this then just take it on the chin and move on to a different topic, you do not want to be a creep.
- She licks her lips
- Strong eye contact
Bad Signs:
- She gives you one worded answers or she does not ask you personal questions
- She gives a fake smile
What NOT To Do:
- Discuss hot button topics such as politics, abortion, religion, gender roles, etc. Fun topics such as your favourite bands or music is fine, however. Just make sure that it is fun and not controversial.
- Talk about your past (or lack of) dating experiences, including ex girlfriends, your lack of success on dating apps or show any bitterness towards dating or women in general. This is ridiculous but still many men actually do this. If you start talking negatively about your ex girlfriend or women in general she will see this as an example of how you will talk about her. If you must say something then at least make it positive or just say you do not feel like talking about this topic.
- Talk about your random interests or obsessions. I know this can be a challenging thing to do and this is something I have certainly found difficulty with, but you need to realise that just because YOU find something interesting/fascinating does not mean that your date does. Banging on about it for ages when she clearly doesn’t care will not do you any favours.
- Turn up late.
- Lie, including about how you look or your height (if meeting via online dating), your income, your relationship status or your interests/hobbies. This sets off a bad precedent and if you lie things are sooner or later going to come back to haunt you. It boggles my mind how many people blatantly lie in their photos and on online dating and expect good results. All you will be doing is wasting her time and money as well as your time and money. It is also highly disrespectful.
- Talk too much and not ask enough questions. Try to always ask interesting and thought provoking questions which turn into good conversations. However try to make sure that they are actually relevant and you are not jumping from one random topic to the next, i.e. going from favourite films to your favourite animal (although both are good topics). A good example of when you can do this is when you are discussing your favourite TV shows and if she says hers is Game of Thrones you can ask if she has ever visited any of the filming sites and then ask where she plans on going next or what her favourite holiday destination was.
After the First Date:
After you have had your first date you might be wondering when it would be best to set up the next one. After all, there are numerous references about it in popular culture (i.e. wait three days to text her in order to not appear needy). However, this is a horrible idea in the modern age with the advent of dating apps and social media where women now have endless men messaging them at once. It is best to message the next day following the date and to arrange the next meet as soon as possible.